I haven't written one of these for so long. Lately every time I've tried to write, all I've been able to do is point out every single thing thats wrong with myself, and it usually turns into some weird conversation..
..with myself.

Damn it, I used to be good at writing.
Good at whining anyway. About girls, parents, police and not really very much else.

I want to make some new years resolutions but whats the point. I can't keep promises, even to myself. So I'm just going to tell you all what I've learn this year

Don't trust anybody, that's a good start. I swear I used to be the most trusting person on earth, and everyone told me almost every private thing about themself, and knew everything about me. I kind of miss that, but that time's really really over.

Don't trust anyone who does P, especially. I never thought it did much to people except for turn them into weird skeleton looking things, but it does more than that. I guess it's impossible to be an honest person when you're addicted to a drug that costs $100 for an amount that probably wouldn't even cover your fingernail. Soo it pretty much turns people into money hungry mongrels who'll do anything at all to get cash... even rob a mates house.
Well that's what happened to me anyway. So don't trust P smokers, they are snakes and they are liars... sorry you guys!

On the topic of drugs, I've learnt that it's impossible to do them in moderation. When you love it and think you could give it up any time, why don't you? Maybe you can't? And the love relationship will slowly turn into a love-hate relationship, and then into one of those stupid weird relationships where you feel trapped, and you wanna get out, but can't. And eventually maybe I'll wonder why I even call it a relationship at all.

What I'm trying to say is I finally learnt, DRUGS ARE BAD! The days of being that happy stoned guy are so long over. Thinking back to all the things I've lost just to chase a high... the main thing would be respect. The respect of my family, friends (well those that are left), or even society in general. And what's the point carrying on regardless, and thinking that if somebody really cared about me, they'd get over it? There'd be nobody left in the end. Why the fuck did I sacrifice my life to some stupid shit that grows in the fucken dirt?
But the saddest part out of all of it, is watching your buzz die. If you've never smoked it, you wouldn't understand at all. The first time you get high, you'll be spirited away to a magical land where everything just makes you sooo happy. Even bright colours. But all the colours are bright. Anythings funny. Everythings funny. Everything feels different and so amazing. And you love it all. It DOES make you happy. And if you decide to keep smoking it, that buzz will become less and less every time. Till it gets you to the point like where I am now, where you'll be suprised if you feel any different to what you did before you had that joint.
To me it was like watching a friend slowly die, as stupid as it sounds. When people say 'marijuana is a depressant', that's why.

I learnt that my personality type is probably the most prone to addictions that there is. The fact that I played computer games 24 / 7 from the age of five to thirteen. The way I'll always obsess over one girl and not be interested in anybody else for year long periods. Oh, and the cigarettes and the dope of course.

I didn't really learn how to deal with it though.

I did learn that if you try to break an addiction for anyone other than yourself, it won't work. If you quit for your family, or a particular person, and then they piss you off a lot, theres something in your head.. well my head at least, that says, fuck them. Do it again. Spite them..

Congratulations to all my mates who managed to quit though.
You made me feel like such a lonely stoner.

Something almost as obvious as 'drugs are bad' that I've worked out, is that there is NO point breaking the law to extremes. When you decide 'fuck the law', the law will fuck you up the ass. I hate worrying about whether I'll wake up tomorrow and find out that a mates finally in prison. I hate worrying that the phone will ring and I'll hear that there's a warrant for my arrest because They Know What I Did Last Summer.

I never commited a crime for the money, it was always for the thrill. But it's not really the best thrill in the world, sure your heart's pounding in your chest, sure you've got enough adrenaline pumping to make you feel like you're tripping. But it's only cause you're scared as fuck.
I don't smoke P, so I don't need to steal from anybody. Right?
It used to be so much fun, back in '06 we must've pulled off so much dumb illegal shit without anything happening to us at all. It made me feel so lucky.
And then one day my luck ran out, and I started getting caught for every single thing. This year, I've managed to score an assault conviction, an eight hundred dollar fine, and a three thousand dollar fine. I swear theres nothing more embarassing than standing up in court in front of your family. And I honestly don't ever want to get back into any of that shit ever again. I don't even wanna drive cars without a liscence. I don't even wanna download music off LimeWire... nah thats a little too far. But I'm gunna be as much of a clean citizen as everybody else. Honestly.

With that assault conviction, I also learnt that fighting is a complete waste of time. Even if I got picked on all the time back in the day, what happens now doesn't change it. I tried to start shit with people who I hadn't even seen for years, but none of them even remembered what I was angry about, let alone gave a shit about it themselves.

I learnt that I hold grudges far too long. Which is suprising considering the state of my memory.

I learnt how easy it is to lose friends, which gave me a shock. I started 2007 thinking I had more friends than I knew what to do with, and when I started course in town I made even more. Now, I don't know if I could count the number of people who I consider a friend who'd say the same back on both hands. Half my mates just faded away into nowhere, and a fair few more just plain decided they didn't like me. And it sucks that I'm not prepared to take the blame for anything and everything anymore, cause I probably could have kept them. Everyone just loved to argue and place blame and honestly, seventeen seemed like being seven all over again. So much angst over such pointless shit.

Losing so many friends is probably something that helped me to realise how important family is. That and being kicked out of home for almost half the year. I learnt that I care about my little sister more than any other girl in the world, I learnt that my dad is probably the best friend I'll ever have, or failing that, the one that I know will always be there.
And my mum. God, I don't even know what to say about her.. I think I've turned her into a nervous wreck. I guess thats one promise I did keep. When I was fifteen and my mum read my diary and found out all sorts of horrible things about me, I promised I wouldn't show her any respect at all for the next two years, and I didn't. Now she won't tell me off for anything, she'll run around after me, she'll put up with anything, I swear she's actually scared of me, and I hate it. I wish she could just go back to being my mum again.
Even if I can't fix all the shit I put my family through with my stupid teenage angst, at least I'm trying to now. And I would never ever claim to hate or be embarassed of my family again... it's the most childish thing..

OK, this peice of writing is getting kind of long, so I'm just gunna finish on the one last thing I learned.

For all the times I've been called ugly, I've wondered 'am I ugly'. For the times I've been called goodlooking, I've wondered if I was. How the fuck am I ever going to know?
How would anybody know whether they're hot or not. It's a judgement and not a fact, and it's for you to pass on other people, not yourself. There's absolutely no point thinking about it. I know that it's something some people think about for ages, and that annoys me. If someone asked me 'am I pretty', I couldn't say 'no', and if somebody asked 'am I ugly?' I couldn't possibly say 'yes'. Unless I didn't like them.
So I learnt that judging your own looks will get you nowhere. It's not healthy either, if somebody's often told they're pretty, their head gets slowly shoved further and further up their own ass. If they're often told their ugly, they turn into a wreck. So don't think about it. If someone calls you ugly, tell them to get fucked and ignore it. If someone calls you hot, just thank them for the compliment and don't let it go to your head. And try to get in their pants if you want.

You guys probably learned all these things ages ago, but if you don't agree, I've thought about all the things I said a lot. I'll argue with you if you like

thats me out lol